Making It Up As We Go Along
by ladierock
Summary: Janie knew Cabel couldn't do it anymore. Their initial plan of just going about it all on a day by day basis worked fine at first. Janie thought that they were handling everything pretty well. Those were good times, warm loving times that neither of them would ever want to forget. Not all of them were good though. One-Shot. After GONE.


_**A short one-shot on Janie and Cabel after **_**Gone _and whether they make it or not. I read the WAKE Series a while ago but it always bothered me that there was no cure and it was left ambiguous so I started this one shot to give myself a happy ending but by the time I was done it kind of ended just as ambiguous as _Gone _did. Anyway, just lemme know what you guys think._**

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Janie knew Cabel couldn't do it anymore.

Their initial plan of just going about it all on a day by day basis worked fine at first.

Janie thought that they were handling everything pretty well.

Dealing with college, work, making time to see each other of course, and handling the obviousness of Janie's rapidly declining health. Neither of them had thought it would happen so soon, that Janie's vision would start to fade so quickly. It wasn't that it was happening faster or that Janie was falling into more dreams.

It was that over the course of four years time flew by at such a rapid pace that it felt like the small, fleeting moments that Cabel and Janie shared happened an entire life time ago.

The nights Janie and Cabel would play a battle of wills trying to stay awake to watch the other peacefully sleep. They fight the exhaustion that an entire brought them fighting to keep their eyes open; Cabel so that Janie could sleep without worrying about being sucked into any dreams or Janie so that she could see Cabel sleep without worrying about her and his unintentional dreaming.

The days, holidays mostly, spent with Cabel's brother, wife and their two kids or Carrie and Stu. Those were days that not a moment was wasted reflecting about the dark points in their lives and the uncertainty of their future together, except maybe to compare it to the greatness of that certain day.

Those were good times, warm loving times that neither of them would ever want to forget.

Not all of them were good though.

Of course Janie and Cabel fought. It wasn't rare. In fact it was kind of a normal for them. Whether it was fun and competitive fighting of college grades or over how much time Cabel spent working for the Chief while Janie was either visiting her mother, working at school, or in class. They fought a lot over the time they didn't get to spend together. Mostly it bothered Janie more than Cabel because it was something that was always on her mind and she had more time to think and worry about it than he did. What really irritated her was the _fact_ that it seemed to bother her more than him.

"It's not like that and you know it," he tell her anytime she brought it up when he came home to the apartment they shared whenever Janie wasn't back at home to keep her mother company. "It does bother me-"

"Then prove it 'cause it sure as hell doesn't seem like it! You're never here, you're never with me."

Cabel would usual pull off his nonprescription glass and pinch the bridge of his nose while a seething Janie stood a few feet away from him with her arms crossed over her chest defiantly deciding not to believe anything he says even though deep down she knows what she's arguing isn't true.

It just feels that way. Especial when she's alone so often now that her vision was worse off than it was in high school. Too many dreams she'd accidentally fallen into on campus and when she was around her mother who was doing relatively well in her AA meetings but still had a long way to go.

They'd stay in the stand off for a few moments until someone-usually Cabel-would break the silence and the barrier between them.

He'd step forward and reach for her.

She'd never pull away from him. She couldn't do that. After so many years of neglect and not having someone to touch or hold her and knowing Cabel had endured the same physical loss, she couldn't ever pull away from the one person who filled that void and she wouldn't hurt Cabel that way.

"I love you. You know that," he'd say into her hair.

Clutching her arms around his neck while she took in his scent that was a mix of outdoors and just...Cabel, she'd reply with her voice muffled by his shirt, "Yeah I know."

"Then stop acting so bat-shit crazy," he'd joke and then after a little bit more of touching, kissing, and a loss of clothes, everything would be alright for a while.

None the less of the bad days, the day by day basis had been fine for them...at first.

They were older now. Exactly seven years older from the day they first met. The fights were less frequent because Cabel's job with the police was a more permanent thing with every successful case he worked. The chief and the other friendly cops had always made a point to call and check in on Janie even when Cabel couldn't or didn't. Sometimes she'd joke about borrowing Cabel for so long and Janie would laugh.

Janie laughed less often now.

She'd fallen into on too many dreams and one night, while she stayed in the apartment with Cabel still out on a case, she'd woken up from a dream of her own to darkness. At first she thought it was just that the lights were still off and it was still dark. After a few blinks she realized this wasn't a darkness that was going away.

Did she panic?

At first. But then she remembered she'd been preparing for this since reading Martha's notebook. She'd taken classes in college that informed her on the life of the disabled and how to handle it. She'd prepared herself. Or at least she thought she did.

Now that it was happening, now that her vision was gone, the constant ache in her bones grew, and she was alone for a moment without Cabel, reality sank in.

Janie didn't feel so prepared.

She'd practiced learning to dial without being able to see and managed to get Cabel's phone the first time but it went straight to voicemail. In immediate anger after a few more tries to him and then the chief's phone, she hurled the phone across the room when it landed presumably against the wall.

She threw herself back onto the bed and held in her tears until she felt ready to burst with them.

And then she cried.

She cried until she felt herself drifting into sleep. Admittedly, she was too afraid to sleep. She worried that the moment she closed her unseeing eyes and tried to wake again, another one of her valued senses would be gone. A part of her hoped to fall asleep and wake up with her vision restored and finding out her dream catching abilities were just an extremely long nightmare.

It didn't happen.

When she did finally fall asleep, she woke up to the sound of Cabel coming home. She heard him come into their bedroom but she didn't sit up or acknowledge him even though her eyes were open.

"You're up early," he greeted.

She heard his movement to her side of the bed to lean down and kiss her the way he usually did when she waited up. His lips never touched her face though because she sat up in one quick motion and hit him across the face as hard as she could.

She could picture his stunned face in her head, his hand touching the spot that the palm of her hand made contact with.

Her chest was heaving up and down with each deep breath she took as the silence set in.

"Janie," he said her name so gently, in the warm way that wrapped around her like a blanket. She heard the movement of him stepping hesitantly closer after hearing the click of the bed side lamp he'd turned on, felt a brush of air as he waved a hand in front of her face.

More silence as realization set in for him.

"You vision is it..."

All these years they'd both knew it'd happen eventually. It shouldn't have been such a shock when it did but it was.

Janie just closed her eyes and relaxed back onto the bed already regretting having slapped him but she was angry.

Cabel let out a deep sigh and she felt the dip of the bed where he sat beside her. "Janie I'm so sorry."

It was all he could say. She wasn't sure what he was apologizing for though. Pity because her vision had finally gone or because he hadn't been here when it happened?

"Is that what your phone call had been about?"

"You would know if you'd answered it," she snapped.

"I couldn't," he tried to explain. "I was in interrogation and later when I tried calling back..."

His voice trailed off as he undoubtedly spotted the shattered phone across the room scatter on the floor.

"I'm so...I'm so sorry. I should have..."

His unfinished sentence bothered her. "Should have what?!"

"I don't know," he answered after a while. "If I could've been here-"

"You could have if you weren't always gone," she spoke in a normal tone, the tears ready to spill over again.

"It's not like I do it on purpose. I'm doing something I love and it's supporting us," he reasoned, standing up from the bed. They'd had this argument before, many times when Janie could see.

"Last I checked you loved me too and I'd rather have you around than all of the money in the world. The last day I had my vision and you weren't around for me to remember you by and to save those last few moments-"

"I said I was sorry! I wish more than anything I could take it back but I can't!"

"I wish I was never born. I wish none of this ever happened to me."

"Things probably wouldn't have ever worked out as they did between us if none of this hadn't happened to you," he said in a gentler tone than before.

"Maybe that's a good thing." She didn't mean it. She knew it hurt both of them and she still said it. She didn't meant it. Not really.

"Yeah maybe it is," he said a moment later in the same low and gentle voice from before.

There was another exceedingly long silence and for a moment Janie was glad she couldn't see the hurt on his face from what she'd said before because she knew Cabel could see the hurt on hers.

She pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms tight around them and resting her chin on top as she sniffled and the warm tears fell from her unseeing eyes.

She started to silently cry.

Out of sadness and because she felt weak.

This wasn't the person she was use to being. She'd learned to be strong and independent growing up. She hated herself for hitting Cabel, for hurting him the way he'd been hurt most of his life but she couldn't help it. It shouldn't have been like this.

Cabel's hand touched her shoulder and the bed dipped again as he sat beside her. She turned her face away and he let out a low sigh.

"Janie I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I know you didn't either."

She wanted to turn to him, hug him, and take back everything. She wanted them to lay together all night in each other's embrace and talk about what this meant for their future and that it wouldn't change.

She wanted to do all of these things but she couldn't because of one thought running through her mind: they had no future.

She couldn't keep doing this, holding him back from having a normal, simple life and hopefully finding someone else, someone he could really be with that wouldn't pick fights and complain about him being gone doing something he enjoyed doing.

Janie lifted her head from her knees and wiped at the tears on her face. She felt Cabel leaning against the headboard of their bed right beside her, his hand resting over hers.

"I ruined your life."

She could feel him ready to say something to counter that, to say that wasn't true but she went on before he could say anything.

"I took almost ten years of your life that you'll never get back. And the worst part about it is, I'm not sorry that I did, that I stole that time from you, because you gave me the happiest moments I'll probably ever have. You made my life better for a while."

There was a heartbeat of silence before he murmured, "The same way you made mine."

There was another silence as she hoped he took in her words and she took in his. They sat quietly, only touching with their hands, both of them reflecting on every single moment they had together since day one, wishing they'd met and been close sooner, wishing they had more happier times ahead of them to look forward to and face together, wishing they could just be normal.

Just be Cabel and Janie. Without any dream catching worries.

At the same moment, they were starting to realize that the thing about wishes is, they don't usually come true.

After several moments, he spoke. "What do you want me to do?" he ask gently, stroking her hand and gripping it a little tighter, as if hoping by holding on to Janie tightly, he'd never have to let go.

And that's when Janie knew Cabel couldn't do it anymore.

Because before, she'd never have to tell him what to do so that they could stay together.

Because it was clear he was really at a loss.

Because she knew he'd do anything to salvage whatever was left of this relationship.

Because he'd said nothing to dissuade her words.

Because he could hear the finality in her voice by the internal decision she'd made for the benefit of them both.

Because the only answer she could come up with to that question was...

"Nothing. I don't want you to do anything. There's absolutely nothing you can do."

_I love you Cabel Strumheller, _she thought but didn't say the words aloud because it was obvious and didn't need to be said. It'd only hurt more if it was said aloud and she didn't need to hear it. She knew he loved her too.

Janie imagined Cabel closing his eyes to stop himself from letting out any of the pain her words cause. She imagined him silently crying. She imagined him reaching for her, holding her tight against the familiar spot against his chest that had become her own and promising never to let her go, promising they'd figure out a way to work things out.

None of that happened though.

Except for the part about Cabel holding her against him with both arms, the rest didn't happen.

Janie was okay with that.

And so was Cabel.

She'd become more than dependent on having Cabel in her life, even when she knew there was a possibility he wouldn't always be there. She needed to learn how to be independent again and reaccept her situation. She need to accept it and to figure out a way to be happy and, for right now, she couldn't do that and make Cabel take on this added issue too when he was trying to figure out a few things of his own.

It wasn't what they wanted. They want to be apart. But being together changed them and they both needed to get back to normal...or as close as possible before they could ever be near each other again.

And they were okay with that.

It wasn't going to be easy letting go of their first and only love and having any kind of friendship was too far down the road to even imagine...

But they were going to be okay.

They may not be able to be physically together but they knew they'd always have each other with the memories.


End file.
